more of the depression stuff

if you're sick of reading about how bad I feel, then stop right here.



not feeling so great about things right now. I'm questioning whether I should have ever moved here. there is so much shit that goes on in this city and the state laws are confusing. I'm just having the toughest time dealing with this place and I've lived here for almost 3 1/2 years. I can't find my niche. I can't find joy in anything. I feel like the essence of my soul has been sucked right out of me and I thought the opposite would happen. it's like I've lost myself, and now I have to start over and find it again. or maybe I didn't have it in the first place. the bad stuff overwhelms me so much that I can't enjoy the good stuff that's happening. how do I change? where do I begin? I just don't have the answers.

lines

the skin on both is the same
but one with deeper lines
cutting the map of experience
lining the skin
showing the path taken to this point
making it certain there's no mistake
about the true identity of the soul
emotion is the fuel
reaction is the tool
resulting in lines on the forehead
laugh and frown lines
tension and fear lines
a path is lead by each and every one
and the lines will lead you back

fall is here

it's crisp and cool in NYC. 49 degrees this morning and quite lovely. some areas will be getting frost for the first time this season tonight. it's invigorating on a morning walk from Bryant Park to Grand Central, also inspiring calm and positive energy. a new season to look forward too; a new cycle.

blah

blah blah, blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah, blah-bity blah. blah blah.

I care

I care way too much about what other people think sometimes. my gift to myself today: stop caring so much about what other people think and be myself!

damn

just when I think things are bad, and I feel low down, I find out about someone else who is worse off than me. a girl from my PA group tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. she had just completed her 90 days, but still felt really sad. we could all tell because every time she would try and talk, she would be tearful. she is in the hospital still and her kidneys are failing. prayers and vibes for her. she really needs it. I'll be calling her today.

not clever

so I thought I was being clever buying tickets to see Jeff Tweedy in NY online, but HEY, IT'S IN ALBANY DUMMY!!!!! ok, I'll forgive myself. just going to cancel this and go on my merry way. jeez!!!

positive

ok, so I'm going to go for having a positive attitude. I will practice the exercise of turning negative thought into positive. instead of saying, "I hate work," I will say "I love work." instead of, "what a fucking idiot," I will say, "what a wonderful person he/she is." or something along those lines. the more I say it, the more I should be able to think that way. I must be persistant in this practice and not forget.

well

what the fuck is up with this place. I just wrote about how I'm feeling better and I need to make a list of stuff to do to keep from being depressed, and the post doesn't show up.

depressed, depressed, depressed! SHIT!

well, it's been raining for 8 days straight. this weather is throwing me into the pit of darkness, for now anyway. plus, been back from the Catskills for 5 days now. on Monday, due to a craptacular commute, I was immediately thrown into my anger pattern. people are so rude. I've got to be more thick skinned, when it comes to EVERYTHING.
plus, to add to my state of mind, I went to the dr this week. I have a staph infection on my chin and I'm loaded up on antibiotics; 4 pills a day. AND, my dr could feel cystic lumps in my left breast. nothing to be alarmed with yet, but still, holy fuck! my mom has had these issues for years, so, it's probably nothing. have to get rechecked in a month. this is my body's way of saying 'welcome to 36. you're fucked!'

more Skills

Catskills Rock

just a couple of pics for now

how sad

well, I'm officially addicted to a chat room. via chicago. it's been down all day and I'm getting the shakes. I need my laughs, my internet friends and smart ass remarks, damnit! I'm so bored and actually have to do work at work. SHIT!

one more

as promised

more butterfly pics, 'cause I got nothin' else.