him

the father is high strung and worried - accusatory & paranoid.
television is on in every room - loud.
there is arguing.
he had to get out - it was intolerable.
he leaves to move in a boarding house with fleas.
the other tennants make fun of him.
his whole life, he has felt like no one likes him.
it seems to run in the family.
mother is the creator of this demon;
from all sides.
mother.
father.
awkward existence is difficult road to walk down.
never fitting into any mold - square peg forced into a round hole.

Howl: Wigstock 8-27-05

update

hubby isn't going on the cruise. while I know it would have been exciting and pretty good money, he's going to make just as much right here. so, I like this better. was not looking forward to being alone for a week.

I love

being called a fucking idiot.

really, I really, really, really do. thank you.

reflection

when I see inside
there is fog and confusion
struggling to breathe
and make sense of the things
that fill my day
when I make it through this fog
things don't quite fit
shape and form is squeezed
into something that it wasn't meant to be
but adapted into this shape for survival
in no sense truly connecting to the form
alone and
alone

Ok

I'm getting sick of my job again. I'm supposed to be a manager, but I feel like I'm virtually ignored by the person I'm supposed to manage. she does the minimum required, because she wants to be an actress. we all want to do something else. but for now, do your stinking job. I'm so ready to quit and do something else. I know there are other jobs out there where I could be making more money and have better benefits. I just have to wait until after bonus time. February 2006, ugh.

Courtney Love - why can't you straighten your shit out?

so, I caught some of the Pamela Anderson Comedy Central Roast last night. jesus christ. why can't CL get her shit together. not only is she now a fat pig, which this would not bother me if she was sober, but she was obviously loaded and standing up, trying to get any kind of attention that she could. it's so embarassing and I'm embarassed that I ever admired her. hopefully this is just a relapse, which many addicts go through when they try to recover. but whatever. wouldn't be surprised if we all hear that she has overdosed, killed herself or gone over the edge in some manner. oy vey.

hey ho

well, my husband is going on this fabulous cruise to South Hampton, GB for a job with Carly Simon. it's really exciting and a great opportunity for him. and for us. but somehow, I just feel jealous. I'm envious that I don't get to do fun and different stuff on my job. it's just the boring 9-5. void of creativity and draining the soul. ugh, I really need to start looking elsewhere for employment, or at least find a school or something to occupy my time and make me feel alive again. corporate whitely is draining the life out of me.

new sunflower pictures

pictures from the Jersey City fire and an update

it's now being said that the fire was started by accident. some construction workers where in the basement of the house that was being renovated for the homeless shelter. they were using a torch and it caught the place on fire very quickly.

Never a dull moment

things always happen on my block. about 6 weeks ago, a cocaine dealer was busted big time on my street. just this past Wednesday, squatters caught this house on fire, probably smoking crack. a church has been trying to rebuild the place as a homeless shelter. well, looks like that ain't gonna happen since they keep burning the place. 9 structures where burnt all to hell. several cars exploded because of the heat. our electricity was out until 2:00 pm yesterday, and it was hot as hell. hubby got lots of pics of the fireman; will post later. at least we're alive and the whole block didn't burn down.

COMMUTER RAGE!!!!!!!!!!1!!4!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

first, I'm going onto the PATH train. I put my metro card in the slot to go through the turnstile and this fat bitch walks through from the other side. costing me $1.50. now, I know that isn't much, but I really need that $1.50 for rides right now.

next, I go to the metro card machine to put more money on my card. tried it twice at 23rd St. 'Sorry. We are unable to process the transaction at this time.' ugh. this happened yesterday too. went to Grand Central. different machine, same shit! so I get up to my office, call E-trac, they tell me that $30 was deducted anyway. WTF! I need this money right now. I'm so freakin' pissed. next I get the number for MTA. I actually get someone on the phone. they tell me it should be credited back to my account within 24-48 hours. I really need it now, but I guess this will have to do. commuting in NYC can be a real bitch when it doesn't go smoothly.

today

*drinking Kenya blend from Starbucks. still on the caffiene fix. but, what the hay, me likes it.

*watched Six Feet Under last night. what an episode! I just knew Nate would end up dying. sad, but an excellent way for the series to end; logical way that is. it's such an odd show because I love it, but I end up hating each character from one show to the next. their personalities run from likable, to abhorent. I was actually liking Nate throughout this season. my prediction is that he will be buried outside, next to a tree, wrapped like a mummy with no embalming.

*so, Bush, pushes Bolton right into the UN. um, is this a dictatorship, or a democracy?

*people, leave Courtney Love alone. yeah she's fat, but she's rehabilitated from a cocaine addiction. this is what happens when you get off of drugs, or rather it happens to some people. yeah she can be repugnant sometimes, most of the time. but I respect her for going through with it. so, lay off the fat jokes. I'd rather see her chubby than coked out. rock'n roll!