I am not a New Yorker

but I act like one on the street. I hate walking behind slow people and I nearly run some people down when they are in my way. I'm always in a rush to get home, or rush to get to work. it is so not me, but, I guess I've just adopted those habits. sometimes I just want to mow down everyone that pisses me off, or gets in my way. ugh. not a pleasant feeling. can't wait to get away next week, in the Catskills, and empty my mind of all the daily stress and bullshit for a few days.

pity parade

ok, my pity parade is over, for now. I hate being like that. but I'm moody and stuff.

I never feel adequate

no matter what anyone says, I never feel like I'm good enough. whether it's my job, or whatever. I should listen to Louise Hay more often:

How to Love Yourself - Louise Hay

STOP ALL CRITICISM. Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

DON'T SCARE YOURSELF. Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

BE KIND TO YOUR MIND. Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.

PRAISE YOURSELF. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

there is more. I just have to remind myself about this stuff. it's difficult to praise myself, at least it's difficult for me. especially when it comes to my job. my boss is always praising me and telling me what a good job I'm doing. I just don't always feel this way. I always feel like I could be doing things better and that I'm never good enough. I must stop this kind of thinking.

Day of the Butterflies - Sept 17, 2005

this past Saturday, the butterflies flocked to my yard. there had to be 30 or more at any given time of the day. it was amazing. the average butterfly lives 10 days to 2 weeks. what a privilege for them to spend a whole day in my yard.

Ian McShane was robbed

He should have won the Emmy for best actor in a drama. James Spader???? Come on! He has played the same character for 20 years. What a joke!

people here are FREAKS!

ok, so I go to get on the PATH train this morning and this guy pushes me so he can get to a seat. I say 'damn!' then I look over at him and he's muttering to himself and saying I'm a bitch. so, I mutter to myself 'dude, you're the asshole.' so, he's staring at me, then I stare back for a minute and give him a dirty look. then, he proceeds to stare at me during the entire train ride. I had to hold my newspaper over my face so I wouldnt' see him staring at me. then I get up to get off at my stop, don't make eye contact or anything. I'm walking to the stairs and the last train car, which is the car I was on, goes by and dude is still staring at me. so, I flipped him off. I hope I don't see him again. I may have to kick him in the balls.
then, when I get to work, I get a call from my husband who has also arrived at work. this guy that's been on the job with him all week and causing trouble, walks up to my husband and says 'so, you got a problem with me today?' some verbal altercation ensues and they are separated. so the one person that is over my husband over the job says my husband should leave. hubby says, 'you're going to ask me to leave over someone who has worked here for 3 days and is a stranger?'. then the guy says 'no.' so, he tells this punk ass dude to leave. before he does, while security has surrounded him, he threatens my husband and spits in his face. hubby came 'this close' to pounding the dude. but didn't, which is good. but damn! seems like you can't even go to work anymore without some freak harrasising you. WTF?

Spike the fish

Spike, our beloved red beta fish, died in his small aquarium this past Sunday evening. he was 3 years old. he made nests for breeding virtually every week. he was buried Monday morning in my garden. we thought he was going to die a year ago, but he held out (I stopped using treatment in his water and stuck to oxygenated tap). may he rest in peace.

Towers In Light

Attn: charles

what was 'too funny'??? thanks in advance.

management

ok

I'm feeling a little better now. went to my Wednesday night meeting and spoke to a friend about what's going on and it helped a lot.

I am going to say this now and hope that I'm not putting 'too much' out there. being a functioning addict is very difficult. I abused painkillers for a long, long time. it has been a year and 3 months since I've taken a narcotic painkiller and I'm very proud of that. but, I smoke pot, have the occassional (sp?) drink, and I have a couple of other medications that are addictive that I take for other medical issues - I do not abuse these medications because of the group I go to - pills anonymous. it really, really helps but, I'm not a t-totaller because there are certain things I just can't stop taking out of fear. klonopin for one is a complete nightmare to stop. I could stop smoking pot, if I wanted to. but I don't want to. it's been in my life for 20 years and been a friend. that is very much an 'addict's' way of reasoning, but I don't go into a total panic if pot is not around. I'm for legalizing it. anyway, we had a big meeting tonight, which was very encouraging since we've had a steady group of just 3 of us for a while now. but I didn't speak, and wasn't even sure I wanted to speak in front of all of those people. but one woman that has been there for a while pulled me aside and could tell something was wrong. so we talked and it felt good to get that validation. usually I give the validation to others. the feeling that you have inspired someone is immeasurable. but I couldn't give and I felt guilty about that; on top of being pissed at a co-worker that I had an argument with, my whole work situation, and being depressed over the hurricane and New Orleans. just too much stress and strife built up in one day. but still, I feel that looming depression and I hope I can combat this successfully this year. it's very important because there have been times when I've had suicidal thoughts and I don't like that. it's very scary and not something that I really ever want to do or put anyone through. oh, I can't believe I'm going to press the publish button, but here it goes...

that

old feeling of depression and malaise is coming back again. I'm trying hard to fight it but it's fighting me. feelings of inadequacy and inability to accept things as they exist are creeping in. and believing that people don't like me. I'm unable to state my case in a argument. I really don't want to feel like this again. I really, really don't.

I dislike

cranky people who always want their way. selfish bastards who piss all over everything because their world isn't perfect. get a grip! we live in a society, right! quit being so selfish!

Down in the Flood - Bob Dylan

Crash on the levee, mama,
Water's gonna overflow,
Swamp's gonna rise,
No boat's gonna row.
Now, you can train on down
To Williams Point,
You can bust your feet,
You can rock this joint.
But oh mama, ain't you gonna miss your best friend now?
You're gonna have to find yourself
Another best friend, somehow.

Now, don't you try an' move me,
You're just gonna lose.
There's a crash on the levee
And, mama, you've been refused.
Well, it's sugar for sugar
And salt for salt,
If you go down in the flood,
It's gonna be your own fault.
Oh mama, ain't you gonna miss your best friend now?
You're gonna have to find yourself
Another best friend, somehow.

Well, that high tide's risin',
Mama, don't you let me down.
Pack up your suitcase,Mama, don't you make a sound.
Now, it's king for king,
Queen for queen,
It's gonna be the meanest flood
That anybody's seen.
Oh mama, ain't you gonna miss your best friend now?
Yes, you're gonna have to find yourself
Another best friend, somehow.

Alex

appears to be ok! huzzah!

Alex Chilton

Alex has been one of my favorite musicians for over 20 years. I consider him to be one of the fathers of alternative music. he's from Memphis TN and is in the band Big Star and has some solo releases. was also in the Boxtops and wrote the song 'The Letter'. he is currently missing in New Orleans. no life is worth than any other, but his means a lot to me personally and I hope he is alive and will be rescued.

"NIGHTIME" (Chilton)

At nightime, I go out and see the people
Air goes cool and hurrying on my way
And dressing so sweet, all the people to see
They're looking at me, all the people to see

And when I set my eyes on you
You look like a kitty
And when you're in the mood
Oh, you look so pretty
Caught a glance in your eyes
And fell through the skies
Glance in your eyes
And fell through the skies

I'm walking down the freezing street
Scarf goes out behind
You said, "Get them away"
Please don't say a word
Get me out of here
Get me out of here
I hate it here
Get me out of here

"TAKE CARE" (Chilton)

Take care not to hurt yourself
Beware of the need for help
You might need too much
And people are such

Take care
Please, take care

Some people read idea books
And some people have pretty looks
But if your eyes are wide
And all words aside

Take care
Please, take care

This sounds a bit like goodbye
In a way it is, I guess
As I leave your side
I've taken the air

Take care
Please, take care

"IN THE STREET" (Bell/Chilton)

Hanging out, down the street
The same old thing we did last week
Not a thing to do, but talk to you

Steal your car, and bring it down
Pick me up, we'll drive around
Wish we had a joint so bad

Bust a street light
Out past midnight

"SEPTEMBER GURLS" (Chilton)

September gurls do so much
I was your butch and you were touched
I loved you,
well, never mind
I've been crying all the time

December boys got it bad

September gurls, I don't know why
How can I deny what's inside
Even though I'll keep away
Maybe we'll love all our days

When I get to bed, late at night
That's the time she makes things right
Ooh when she makes love to me

New Orleans

I visited NO 11 1/2 years ago. it was remarkable and one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. the old architecture and balconies with plants and flowers; the flaming fountain at Pat O'Brien's; the wisteria in the spring, blooming, hanging like grapes, perfuming the air; the parades and free flowing alcohol, particularly the famous Hurricane cocktail; jazz on every corner, on the street; drag queens and platters of crawdad ready for boiling; the dancing in the streets and Mardi Gras beads; and on and on. the people.
I feel helpless as I watch what is happening there now. maybe I'm watching it too much, but I feel like if I stop watching, I'll lose sight of this reality and horrible tragedy that is getting worse by the hour, and every long lasting desperate day. it's been 5 days now. why isn't there more help for those people? I am helpless to do anything except throw money at the situation. my heart grows heavier and I feel guilty for having my own good time and looking forward to Labor Day weekend. but I will pray. I've been praying everyday that these people will receive the help and rescue they need. I don't want to get political about it yet, but I definitely have my opinions and am drawing more conclusions as I learn certain things. but the city is gone. New Orleans is gone and will never ever be the same.

City of New Orleans - lyrics by Steve Goodman Riding

Riding on the city of New Orleans
Illinios central, monday morning rail
15 cars and 15 restless riders
3 conductors and 25 sacks of mail
All along a southbound odyssey
The train pulls out of kankakee
Rolls along past houses, farms and fields
Passing trains that have no name
Freight yards full of old black men
The graveyards of the rusted automobiles

Singing good morning america, how are you?
Saying, don’t you know me I’m your native son?
I’m the train they call the city of New Orleans
I’ll be gone 500 miles when the day is done

Dealing cards with the old men in the club car
Penny a point, ain’t no one keeping score
Pass the paper bag that holds the bottle
Feel the wheels a rumbling ’neath the floor
And the sons of pullman porters
And the sons of engineers
Ride their fathers’ magic carpet made of steel
And mothers with their babes asleep
Rockin’ to the gentle beat
And the rhythm of the rails is all they feel

Singing good morning america, how are you?
Saying don’t you know me, I’m your native son?
I’m the train they call the city of New Orleans
I’ll be gone 500 miles when the day is done

Nighttime on the city of New Orleans
Changing cars in Memphis, Tennessee
Halfway home and we’ll be there by morning
Through the Mississippi darkness rolling down to the sea
But all the towns and people seem
To fade into a bad dream
And the steel rails still ain’t heard the news
The conductor sings his song again
The passengers will please refrain
This train has got the disappearing railroad blues

Singing good morning america, how are you?
Saying don’t you know me, I’m your native son?
I’m the train they call the city of New Orleans
I’ll be gone 500 miles when the day is done

Poor Places - Wilco

It's my father's voice dreaming of
Sailors sailing off in the morning
for the air-conditioned room
sat the top of the stairs
His jaw's been broken
his bandage is wrapped too tight
his fangs have been pulled
and I really want to see you tonight

There's Bourbon on the breath
of the singer you love so much
He takes all his words from the books
that you don't read anyway
His jaw's been broken
his bandage is wrapped too tight
My fangs have been pulled
and I really want to see you tonight

Someone ties a bowin my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
smoking and I want love
My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
and I really want to see you tonight

And it makes no difference to me
how they cried all over overseas
It's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside

They cried all over overseas
It makes no difference to me
It's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside